I Can't Believe This Is Goodbye
by Angsty Anime Star
Summary: Mark's thoughts and observations during Goodbye Love, all parts. Because a certain filmmaker wants nothing more than what's best for his friends, even if he isn't actually sure what that is yet.


**Hello people of this...er...planet? Planet. Yeah, that works! Alright, well I'm back with another oneshot. After posting The One Muses, a few people suggested I should to the entirety of Goodbye Love. Which I thought would be kind of fun and all. Why Mark, you may ask? Hm, well he's the most consistent character throughout the song, not counting Roger, whom i really would have liked to do but for some reason didn't. Anyways, no, this is not Mark/Roger romance thought it may seem a bit in some places. Just close friendship. So yea, it's completely cannon, obviously.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Rent, Roger, Mark, Angel, Collins, Mimi, Goodbye Love, and um....well many many other things. **

**Mark's POV**

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I didn't want to leave Collins standing there alone, but I knew he needed it. And I didn't trust the others. Not when the strands were all so close to snapping. What am I kidding; they've already snapped.

"It's true you sold your guitar and bought a car?" Mimi asked meekly, suddenly breaking us out of our mourning silence as we walked up the hill. I waited for Roger to snap at her. She - we all knew it was true. Still, somewhere in the back of my mind, I hoped Roger was bluffing.

"It's true." The rocker's voice was so much weaker than I'd anticipated. "I'm leaving now for Santa Fe." We know, Roger, but I'd love to know why. Suddenly his voice picked up a bit, anger seeping through his still too soft words. "It's true you're with this yuppie scum?" he looked accusingly at Benny.

Benny glanced at Mimi, addressing her quite loudly if I may add. He seemed like he was trying not to be offended. "You said you'd never speak to him again." He reminded.

"Not now," Mimi dismissively replied. I glanced at the other subtly; we couldn't get out of hand like this again.

But Maureen had to defend her friends. She glared at Benny. "Who says that you have any say in who she says things to at all?" she wondered harshly. It was true, but uncalled for.

"Yeah!" Roger agreed, throwing in his two cents.

Joanne though had to speak up. And I, as usual, agreed with her. "Who said that you should stick your nose in other peoples-"

"Who said I was taking to you?" Maureen yelled back.

The lawyer scoffed, stopping in her tracks. Things were about to get bad. "We used to have this fight each night!"

"Calm down" I felt myself weakly plead.

Joanne ignored me and continued. "She'd never admit I existed!" Yeah, that sounds like Mo aright.

"Everyone please!" I tried, louder. Really, we – Collins, Roger;… I didn't need this.

"He was the same way!" Mimi piped up angrily, turning to Roger. "He was always run away - hit the road - don't commit - You're full of shit!" It was true, but nobody had rights to say that right now. That was going too far.

"She's in denial" Joanne decided.

Mimi turned to her. "He's in denial." ….This is great, now two people actually agree on something.

"Didn't give an inch when I gave a mile!" The lawyer continued.

"Come on!" I tried again.

"I gave a mile!" Mimi yelled, her expression hurt. In her defense, she did.

Roger looked down at her from the spot he'd stood above all of us. He sounded just as hurt but covering it was anger. Typical Roger. "Gave a mile to who?" It was a fair question I suppose.

This time Benny assisted me in trying to calm everyone down. "Come on guys, chill!" I silently thanked him. But they still ignored us…

"I'd be happy to die for a taste of what Angel had!" Joanne and Mimi yelled together. I internally grimaced. "Someone to live for, unafraid to say 'I love you'!"

They're pissed Roger off. Maybe, no, he did deserve it. "All your words are nice Mimi." He took a few steps down to join her. "But love's not a three way street! You'll never share real love, until you love yourself." It was so true. Before I could contemplate on this, which I would do later, Roger laughed sardonically. "I should know."

Something about his words, his tone, and everything; it gave me chills. I don't know why, but, no, I do know why. It's because I know. Because I know that better than anyone here.

I hadn't even realized Collins joined us. I felt so bad for him. If any of us, he at least didn't deserve this. He pushed Roger away, gently enough, keeping his hand on the rocker's chest. "You all said you'd be cool today." Still he looked at Roger, but I knew this was directed at all of us.

"So please." He continued, now looking at Mimi. "For my sake….I can't believe he's gone." I saw Mimi and Roger both look down, as did the lot of us. Collins again turned to Roger. "I can't believe you're going."

Then Collins looked at the rest of us, and though he spoke the softest his words got to me the most. "I can't believe this family must die." I saw Benny look away. As did Joanne. I looked at Collins, and Roger. "Angel helped us believe in love. I can't believe you disagree."

We all emotionlessly summed up, "I can't believe this is….goodbye." From the corner of my eye I looked at Mimi moving onto Roger, and Roger walking off. For a second I was worried this would be the last time I'd see him, but I knew he needed to go back to the loft.

I turned to see Joanne crying, and Maureen wiping away her tears. Though I still had some feelings for her, I was glad to see at least one bit of drama resolved. I glanced back at Roger. He was walking away with as much dignity as he could muster. And now Mimi was crying.

I was hurt too, but I wouldn't say anything. I couldn't. Someone had to be strong. Collins shouldn't have to be the one. And Benny…just, whatever!

…….

When I walked back into the loft Roger was throwing his things into a duffle bag. He couldn't leave. He just couldn't. I, I wanted him to stay. And I knew that if he'd listen to anyone, it would be me…I think. So I tried. Sighing, I started, "I hear there are great restaurants out west?"

I thought about our little Santa Fe fantasy a while back. Before Mimi and Benny. Before Angel died. I was snapped out of my thoughts as Roger replied, 'Some of the best." He put in more things, but he wasn't even looking at his bag. "How could she?" I don't think he meant to say that out loud. Roger talks to himself sometimes… a lot of times.

But it gave me a good opening. "How could you let her go?" I wondered. It was no secret. Roger liked Mimi. He was scared to. But he did like her.

He sighed, almost painfully, and shook his head. "You just don't know." I thought about it for a second. I didn't know. I've never been a druggie. I've never had my lover commit suicide. I've never fallen in love with someone I knew wouldn't make it much longer. No Roger, I don't know. But I've tried to understand. I'd know if you told me.

Suddenly he seemed to change his mind, and the subject. "How could we loose Angel?"

And I snapped. "Maybe you'll see why when you stop escaping your pain! At least now if you try Angel's death won't be in vain!"

"His death is in vain." Roger replied in a corrective tone. I was shocked beyond belief. Remembering what I'd wanted to accomplish I realized I was failing. He started to walk away with his bag.

"Are you insane?" I couldn't hold myself back anymore. "There's so much to care about! There's me. There's Mimi." Roger, don't you realize that. Fine, Mimi, maybe you have problems. But what about me, Rog? Or Collins? Or Maureen? You think nobody's gonna care. Well we are! I am!

"Mimi's got her baggage too." Roger reminded, and it was true.

But I added, "So do you." And yes, that was true as well. In fact, Roger probably had more baggage than the rest of our little group put together. But…unlike with Mimi, it wasn't his fault…

Roger didn't seem to hear me as he pulled some things from the cabinet. "Who are you to tell me what I know? What to do?" he suddenly wondered.

"A friend." I said, hurt that he'd forget it for even a second.

I wondered if he'd known this was coming, because he seemed to have all his replies and retorts instantly ready. 'But who Mark are you?" there was a pause, and I waited for him.

"Mark has got his work." He started. "They say Mark lives for his work, and Mark's in love with his work. Mark hides in his work!" You know what, I do, I like my 'work'. My 'work' is my life. But…hides?

"From what?" I questioned honestly.

Roger had this look on, like he was trying to do to me what I wanted to do to him. "From facing your failure; Facing your loneliness; Facing the fact you live a lie." I was about to ask a question, but again he seemed to read my mind. "Yes you live a lie!"

I live a lie!? Me? Why? Because I'm not wild and crazy like the rest of us? Because I'm not loud or angsty or in a relationship? I really wondered.

"I'll tell you why." Roger said. "You're always preaching not to be numb." I do tell Roger that a lot. "When that's how you thrive." I….do? "You pretend to create and observe when you really detach from feeling alive."

Yes, Roger, yes I detach myself. You don't want to know why but I'll tell you anyways. "Perhaps it's because I'm the one of us to survive."

There was a break of silence and in Roger's eye I could see I'd gotten through to him. "Poor baby." He finally replied. A cheap insult only cause he had no better. He grabbed his bag and started to walk away again.

I went after him again. "Mimi still loves you." I reminded. "Are you really jealous?" I asked. "Or afraid that Mimi's weak?" Really Roger, I know she's weak. And you don't want to loose someone. But think about the regret when she's gone….

He stopped, going to stuff more things into his bag. Instead he stared off into space. "Mimi did look pale." He admitted. Looking closely, I realized that Roger did too. I momentarily wondered if that was what this was about.

I quickly got back on subject. "Mimi's gotten thin. Mimi's running out of time. And you're running out the door!" Roger had his bag ready.

"No more!" he looked at me, almost pleadingly. His voice softened, "I've gotta go." He started to walk away but I roughly grabbed him, something I didn't know I was strong enough to do.

"Hey! For someone who's always been let down, who's heading out of town?" That was pushing it past limits, but the situation, I had to convince him. And truth be told, I was angry now.

He pushed away. "For someone who longs for a community of his own, who's with his camera, alone?" he glared at me. That, it was true. Everything he said, in some twisted way or another, was true. He looked…guilty? Upset?

"I'll call." Well that proved he wasn't as mad as he was trying to look. To himself he added, "I hate the fall." And only I knew all the reasons why….

Roger opened the door, only to see Mimi. "You heard?" he asked softly, and I looked over to listen to them.

"Every word." She admitted sadly. The expression on Roger's face had moved to near regret. She walked a bit closer to him but Roger went right past and out of the loft. "You don't want baggage, without life time guarantees?" he stopped in his tracks. "You don't want to watch me die?" he turned around, and I took a quiet step closer to them.

"Well I just came to say goodbye, love. Goodbye love. I came to say goodbye, love. Goodbye." She leaned sadly against the wall. I looked at Roger, but he sighed and started slowly down the stairs. "I just came to say-"

"Glory." Roger said softly. "One blaze of glory." It was amazing he still thought about that. Him and his fucking glory. It was….it WAS so real, so hopeful. Now its…I'm not sure anymore.

"Goodbye love" Mimi repeated.

"I have to find…." Roger finished, taking off quickly down the next flight, without giving Mimi or me a last glance.

I looked out from the balcony and saw him walk into the middle of the street, look at a car, see Benny, recoil, and finally get in the car.

I heard someone coming up, but I knew it wasn't Roger. I waked back out to see Benny trying to comfort Mimi. "Please don't touch me. Understand I'm scared. I need to go away." She whispered. She had every right to be. And she didn't even know what was coming.

I walked over to them, finally regaining my voice. "I know a place; a clinic."

"A rehab?" Benny wondered. I nodded slightly.

Mimi looked at him, eyes brightening just slightly. I couldn't help but be a bit happy that she seemed willing to change. "Maybe could you?...."

"I'll pay." Benny agreed. This was good. Mimi, she could get better now. She could, she has to.

The next thing I knew Mimi ran to her place. And Benny left.

And I walked back into the loft, alone.

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**Thank you everyone for reading. I hope you enjoyed. Oh, and this is based off the movie, though certain little bits, (Mark grabbing Roger, Roger's voice breaking, Joanne and Mimi looking at each other before their partners with the 'He/She's in denial' bit, etc) were taken from various versions of the show. I'd think I'd like to do something like this again, with another song and character. I'd be happy for requests and suggestions. Again thanks for reading, and please leave a review. **


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